26 July 2015

One Day I Will

This song has been on repeat for me lately...it is by Joy Williams.

"One Day I Will"

I'd love to write a happy song
One day I will
I'd like to feel a little less alone
One day I will

When I look back, I'd like to say
I'm better off on my own
And even though right now, I don't feel strong
One day I will, one day

One day I will remember how it felt
When it was good
I won't feel torn each time I hear your name
As if I could

When I look back, I'd like to say
You're better off because of me
And maybe if you asked me to forgive
One day I will, one day

When I look back, I'd like to say
I'm better off on my own
And even though right now, I don't feel strong
One day I will, I will
One day I will, I will
One day I will, ooh, one day
One day I will, I will

25 July 2015


I see it
In you
It's been building up
Now it's overflowing
Onto me
Over everything 
It's written in your words
It's in your tone
It's in your movements
It kills my joy
It hardens my heart
It makes me weep
I fight against the anger
It builds up in me now
The frustration I feel
The anger in unexpected moments
The moments I should be calm
Hard to stay strong
Always calm 
Always a gentle voice
Times I want to shake you
Wake up it is not that bad
No reason to cry
No reason for anger
Breathe and release
Relinquish the fear
Look around for you are not alone
I am here.

13 April 2015


I've been listening to a song all day....it wasn't until tonight that it hit me that the lyrics took me back to being in High School.  To a day when my brother was supposed to have soccer practice but it was canceled.  I still remember that fact.  I remember how angry I was it was cancelled since it led my brother to being home and making stupid decisions.  A whole tumbling ball effect.

I remember coming home and things were out of place.  I don't recall everything but I remember finding my phone in the bathroom.  I couldn't find it at first and then there it was in the bathtub.  It smelled of gas.  SO STRONGLY of gas.  There were other noticeable things wrong.  The bathroom was in disarray.  The gas smell was on other things too.

Eventually the phone rang, it was my dad.  Andrew had been burned.  He had decided to light the woodburner.  It wouldn't light, not even sure he know how to properly start it up.  He decided to use gas to get it going.  A fireball came back out at him.  The funny part of all this is that he was wearing an Eddie Bauer shirt.  Yup I still remember that part.  I remember the nurse giving it back to my mom.  You couldn't even tell anything was wrong with it other than it being dirty around the wrists/neckline.  Andrew would never wear that shirt again though.  He absolutely refused.  That shirt saved my brother.

He ended up with 2nd and 3rd degree burns on his face, neck, and hands.  My dad came home to take me to the hospital.  Andrew was the only patient in the brand new SICU.  His nurse was Mac, a really cool guy.  My parents left to go regroup and figure out a plan.  So I sat with Andrew.  We had picked up McDonald's for my brother and I to eat.  I remember having to feed him.  His hands were completely bandaged up.  After we ate Andrew messed around with his breathing.  It was pretty ridiculous how he made the machine beep like crazy and caused Mac to come running in to make sure Andrew was okay.  We had a lot of laughs.  Because what else do you do in that situation.

I don't remember how long Andrew was in the SICU.  I remember two guys from the soccer team wanting to come visit but he wouldn't let them.  Eventually, weeks later they came over and took him out for an outing.  He was, and is supposed to wear a ton of sunscreen and clothing that covers his hands and face to protect his newer skin from the sun.  He is usually wearing a ball cap and that's why.

So no, people do not necessarily die from burns.  But it is scary to think about what happens when you are burned.

11 April 2015

We do not all have the same understanding.  
We need to watch that our actions do not throw someone off the right track even when we understand because their understanding is not equal to our own.

~Attributes of Love~
Love never gives up, cares more for others, than for self, doesn't want what it doesn't have, doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always 'me first', doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.  Love never dies.
Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.

~Developing Patience~
We continue to shout our praise even when we have troubles because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.

When you are facing hard times, look at the situation in joy.
Find the bright side of it.
When you go through this time you will be stretched bigger by the Lord.
If you want to know what God wants you to do it's simple, ask Him.
He will not be upset for your question.
Be sure you want the answer, do not be unready to hear His reply to your question.
Do not waver because you will go back and forth on what to do.

So keep your mind on joyful things while you face trials.
Be sure what you ask God is what you want an answer to.

Be ready to listen
be quiet
be quick
open your heart to the one speaking

Be slow to speak
Think about what you want to say
Don't blurt out any thoughts

Be slow to anger
Don't seek vengeance or be quick to judge someone
Your anger will never right the wrong(s) in God's eyes.

Clear out your heart
your mind
your home
from filth & evil

Take in the love of God
that He placed in your heart
it is stronger than anything.

God's words are set in our hearts
His words are to obey
obey our King & Father
Not just nod our heads & say yes to them

If you don't follow His words
you are only faking taking Him to heart

If you just listen & obey
it is as though you are looking in a mirror
& not doing anything to look better.

09 April 2015


To you,

You are a stronghold in my life.  I knew I'd be in Portland for two years, but coming here was unexpected.  A new place, a new life, new friends.  A place that doesn't feel anything like home.  A place to transition, maybe? I do not know this place, I do not know what it will mean to stay.  In my head I think how I have nine years...nine years until the farm is my brothers and mine.  What that means in the long term and what it means now.  Am I walking towards home or away from it?  Now you are here and I do not know what to do with myself.  I wonder if what is happening now is the reason to stay.  It has always been my choice to leave and go to a new place.  It was my choice to begin with and it is still my choice.  The choice to come here wasn't easy but here I am, in the place I'm meant to be.  I joke it was a dare.  It is easier to call it a dare then be honest and admit this is the place I felt right to come to.  Other places felt wrong.  I went for what felt right.  For now? For how long?  The timetable I was not given is hard to imagine.  I miss quiet.  I miss the sounds I only hear in the woods with my dad.  I miss the colors of the landscape and the dogs barking their greeting as neighbors drive by the house.  I miss the porch swing and knowing where exactly on the wood flooring the creaks will occur when I step on it.  Nothing is ever simple and I do not know where I belong.  I miss the freedom to jump in the car and just go.    I have hope that I belong here because you anchor me.  Will these feelings stick or will they float away on the breeze?  So often, I am asked how I'm doing and I admit I miss home.  What I do not admit is all the reasons I would miss being here.  It's easy to list of reasons to miss home...but not as easy to admit why it would be harder still to go, again, to another place and figure this all out again.  My homes are many, one is a long walk down a country road, passing a hidden gate and walking alongside a stone wall.  Another still had a chocolate chip bedroom that eased me into sleep unexpectedly.  I do not forget the home that is made of a stable, power washed for the two week stay that occurred every summer.  One more is the house with the japanese water feature, plenty of food, and the challenge to be honest always with the people that love me.  The home I miss the most has wood floors, paint falling from the walls, the paint in the stairway that I cleaned around a piece of paper once that now looks like the paint is brighter in the shape of a backwards number 4.  Sometimes home is the car my friend drives us around in, to Chicago or Iowa City simply so we can eat at the restaurants on my list.  Sometimes it's the car I would get into early in the morning with the heat full blast, 'so it feels like I am still in bed' or so I'm told.  The car where we would have our most important discussions, where honesty reigned supreme and although I may have messed up, I wasn't beaten down, I was lifted up by what I did right.  Sometimes still it is in the unexpected places, like a Vegas hotel with the handful of people who look out for each other, including leading the way from one venue to another so everyone arrives safely in a strangely dark neighborhood.  Taking photos in beautiful mirrors to remember later that, yes, we really did stay up nearly all night to talk and just BE.  These things are not easy to say, to share, because it is hard to put into words the time my heart was truly broken, or the time I did not want to fly home because I was leaving those I loved deeply behind after only knowing them 2 or 3 weeks.  How does one share all this with another?  There are too many stories and so much always flying around in my head and yours.